Мне недавно показали описание “Jewish English”. Очень забавно.
Еврейский фольклор по-английски – тоже смешно. Примеры взяты отсюда (http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/ethnic/ethnic_1.htm, http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/ethnic/ethnic_2.htm)
5761 = Year according to Jewish calendar
4698 = Year according to Chinese calendar
1063 = Total # of years that Jews went without Chinese food
Q – What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A – “Is ANYTHING all right?”
A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?” “Not too good,” says the mother.
“I’ve been very weak.” The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full with food if you should call.”
The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English –
now dubbed “Hebonics” – as a second language.
Backers of the move say the city’s School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics
as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.
According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European
language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, “In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another
question-plus a complaint that is implied or stated.
Thus ‘How are you?’ may be answered, ‘How should I be, with MY feet?'”
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism.
An example is the repetition of a word with “sh” or “shm” at the beginning:
Stay away. You want a nosebleed?”
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: “It’s beautiful, that dress.”
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence.
Thus the response to a remark such as “He’s slow as a turtle,”
could be: “Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.”
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, “Switched-On Hebonics”:
- Question: “What time is it?”
English answer: “Sorry, I don’t know.”
Hebonics answer: “What am I, a clock?”
- Remark: “I hope things turn out okay.”
English response: “Thanks.”
Hebonics response: “I should BE so lucky!”
- Remark: “Hurry up. Dinner’s ready.”
English response: “Be right there.”
Hebonics response: “All right already, I’m coming! What’s with the ‘hurry’ business? Is there a fire?”
- Remark: “I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time.”
English response: “Glad you like it.”
Hebonics response: “So what’s the matter; you don’t like the OTHER ties I gave you?”
- Remark: “Sarah and I are engaged.”
English response: “Congratulations!”
Hebonics response: “She could stand to gain a few pounds.”
- Question: “Would you like to go riding with us?”
English answer: “Just say when.”
Hebonics answer: “Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?”
- To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: “Happy birthday.”
Hebonics remark: “A year smarter you should become.”
- Remark: “A beautiful day.”
English response: “Sure is.”
Hebonics response: “So the sun is out; what else is new?”
- Answering a phone call from a son:
English remark: “It’s been a long time since you called.”
Hebonics remark: “You didn’t wonder if I’m dead yet?”
The year is 2012 and the United States has just elected its first woman as well as its first Jewish President, Ms. Susan Vineberg.
The President-elect calls her mother a few weeks after election day and says, “So, Ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so,” her mother replies. “It’s a ten-hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be and my gout is acting up again.”
“Don’t worry about it, Mom,” says the future President. “I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.
And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” her mother says, doing what she does best.
“Everybody will be so fancy, I don’t know what on earth I would wear.”
“Oh, Mom,” replies Susan, “don’t worry about it. I’ll make sure you have a wonderful new gown, maybe by Christian Dior.”
“Honey,” her mother complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”
The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry, Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I want you to come.”
So Mom agrees, and on January 21, 2013, Susan Vineberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits
the new President’s mother,
who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible becoming President of the United States?”
The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do.”
“Her brother’s a doctor.”
Jewish One Liners
Q: What’s the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?
A: A Rottweiler eventually lets go.
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition
the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?”
The boy says “I play the part of the Jewish husband!”
The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!”
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says “this package is too heavy-you’ll need another stamp.”
Moishe replies “And that will make it lighter?”
Q. If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A. A Bris-kit.
Q. What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?
A. A girl.
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw a pious and learned man …
… who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).
Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. “Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!”
Morris replied, “Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?” (Rabbi nods yes)
“Did you see me order this meal?” (again he nods yes)
“Did you see the waiter bring me this food?” (again he nods yes)
“And did you see me eat it?” (nods yes)
“Then, Rabbi, I don’t see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!”